day 95 – taking my sweet time

In thoughts on me, thoughts on things on December 6, 2011 at 11:03 pm

in true samantha fashion.

it’s southern charm really, and a quiet, old soul that loves peace and quiet and prefers oodles of creativity, adventure, and wonder to deadlines and competitions.  like a glass of sweet tea on a wrap-around porch, or a cup of hot coffee to make the morning seem longer, i’m gonna enjoy every last drop of this til i’m satisfied.

it’s hard to know what to write.  when i think back to when i started blogging for this 100-day bout (well, i suppose now that was over a hundred days ago – but really, who is surprised at all by that?? hehe)  i can see how the days have slowly rolled by and how difficult it was, many times, to find something to say.  that’s always been something about myself i wish i was better at – saying just what i mean.  in person it can be a train wreck.  i’m the quiet girl with roller-coasters and highways of thoughts going all the time, and when i speak it can feel like a traffic jam.  i either say something in a way that is too complicated, or i say too little.  but the Lord is so good!  working in my heart and mind, and my mouth is less of a concern.

i have also felt that traffic jam in my writing.  i have so much to say, but often feel like i have nothing good or great enough to say.  and there’s the boundary of what i share out for anyone to read a fingertip’s length away, and what i keep and ponder in my heart and paper pages.  and there’s the getting over of fears and what people will think, *gulp*, about me!  The Lord has been teaching me so much about that the past few months!

which leads me to this – when i think back 100-some days ago outside of my writing and just look at what’s been going on in my life and in my relationships – with the Lord, with others, with work and other circumstances – so much has kept right on changing and growing and progressing.  maybe these little writings over this time will, more accurately than i see now, shed some light on a larger theme that the Father is orchestrating over a long period of time.  this is just a snippit of it, a micro-look into such a short season of my life.  but such a sweet and important season.  a rich season.

i read this passage the other day, and thought about how perfectly it has been my song in this rich season.

“You shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.  You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord your God chastens you.  Therefore you shall keep the commandments of the Lord your god, to walk in His ways and to fear Him.”

Deuteronomy 8:2, 5-6

how wonderful, how rich, how blessed i am to see so clearly how the Father loves me, to chasten me and make me a woman of character, insight, wisdom, love, a woman bearing the beautiful fruits of His Spirit, and a woman clothed in strength and dignity, laughing at the future.  a woman who has willingness to work hard and learn, with a heart and mouth of wisdom and kindness.  He is so trustworthy with my life, every seemingly insignificant detail, every problem too big to bear – all things.  i still have so much of it to learn, over and over again, until it is belief in every fiber of my being and in every aspect of my life.  it is a joy to be humbled.  it is a privilege to know the wilderness, to see how very quickly i act like the israelites so discontent in my surroundings, so untrusting of the Lord’s care and plan in my life even after seeing miracles, and taking the beautiful, miraculous provisions He gives to me every day and say “not enough,” or “not what i want.”   He’s wringing out all of my heart like a dirty washcloth, right in front of me and right in front of Him.  because He loves me, and doesn’t leave me there.  He makes me white as snow, pure as gold, lovely as ever as He patiently and painstakingly works out the everything (doubt, fear, selfishness, idolatry, infidelity) with the blood of Jesus Christ.

it is good for me that i have been afflicted, that i may learn His statutes (psalm 119:71)  He knows the way that i take; when He has tested me, i shall come forth as gold! (Job 23:10-11)  i cannot wait until i can say – my foot has held fast to His steps; i have kept His way and not turned aside!  i am the richest girl in the world with a Father who really, for real loves me.

and that, my friends, is what i mean to say.

  1. Your words are a gift to me. 🙂

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