samanthasound

day 15 – trying & failing

In thoughts on God, thoughts on me on August 30, 2011 at 11:56 pm

this morning i woke up with just enough time to get dressed, pack my lunch, and head out the door.

it doesn’t sound so bad, but it totally got me off on the wrong foot. on days i go downtown to work, i like to have more than enough time. i like to eat breakfast, park and walk a couple of blocks, get a cup of coffee at the coffee shop and sit down to have a nice time reading or journaling.

on most work days i do this just fine. but today i was trying for more than even that. i wanted to get up super early as a personal challenge for the week.  have time to invest in important things right at the beginning of the day.

so as i was driving to work,  i was irritated.  and got progressively more irritated.  that guy merged into my lane.  i can’t find a parking spot.  this music is annoying.

i prayed despairingly, Lord, quiet my spirit.  help me to accept the things i can’t change.  i just hate being in a mood that is hard as concrete and stubborn to change. i started my walk to the store, embracing the fact that i failed the goal despite my intentions.  and i just listened.

it’s funny how we so easily have this idea of God as being the silent scorekeeper of our lives.  yes, of course he loves us unconditionally, but if i do this or that, he knows it.  and with each thing at which i fail, he makes a little note in the back of his mind and still loves me, but is disappointed.

this is where the enemy gets in and discourages.  oh, how he loves to have us agree with him when he tells us God must be disappointed in us!  the enemy loves our discouragement so much, because in agreeing with him, we disagree with God’s promises.

so i just listened.  i asked God to talk to me about this, this trying and failing, and here’s what he said:

“samantha, do you know how many children try and fail?  i have watched it throughout all of human history! it is the pattern of humankind. my most beloved children stumble as they take their steps to me.  i delight in the willingness of the heart, not your self-made perfection.”

he is so good to make us humble when we try to be perfect for him in our own strength.  He is way more gentle on me than i am on myself, because He loves me with the truest, purest love that is not dependent on what time i wake up in the morning or if i could keep my own goals.  if you’re willing to try, you must be willing to fail.  and when you’re willing to fail, you aren’t so scared of it anymore.  when you’re confident in the reality of the love God has for you personally, failing isn’t really failing.

more thoughts on this another time, i’m sure.

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  1. this made me teary. thank you.

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