on dreams, rock concerts, and tiny faith

In thoughts on God, thoughts on me on March 26, 2010 at 5:16 am

there are certain moments in life when we realize we’ve turned over a new leaf, and for a moment, we see things very clearly.

sometimes this “turning over” process lasts a week, and sometimes it’s years.  sometimes these moments of realizing we’ve turned over a new leaf are triggered by quiet moments in solitude, other times by seeing a friend we haven’t seen in a while.  sometimes it’s as simple as a ceremony of passage – graduation, marriage, or a birthday.

i had one of these moments in particular recently, and i guess you could say it was triggered by seeing a friend i hadn’t seen in a while.

i remember about five years ago having a dream so powerful and moving.  i told one of my mentors at the time.  it was a dream i know the Lord gave and spoke through.  it was also one of the only dreams i can remember a specific song playing, words and swells and everything.  it was copeland’s “you have my attention.”

i hadn’t thought about that dream in so long until a few weeks ago.  dustin, john, corrine and i went to see copeland at the kickoff show of their farewell tour.  i hadn’t thought of that song in years.  there are so many copeland songs that have a sentimental place in my heart and memory.  it was the last song of the entire night, the last song of the encore, right after they played “coffee,” undisputedly one of my favorites which i was not expecting to hear live.  then they started “you have my attention.”

my heart started thudding – this was perfect.  i couldn’t have imagined it so perfect. i smiled, closed my eyes, and i could see the dream so vividly – running, pulling a slave in rags, a friend of mine, up a stone bridge towards a massive, deep orange sun.

a lot of the concert was so special because i got to remember the person i used to be, from 9th grade through high school and college.  i remembered specific people and circumstances, and it was as if i was bidding farewell to all those people and things as well, remembering fondly.  bidding the old man in me farewell.  seeing how the Lord faithfully sewed seeds in me and continued to till the soil and weed and reap fruit in me. hallelujah.

i know if i were in a different place in life, that show would have been wrought in strange feelings, memories, and pride.  but becaause of the Lord i got to enjoy it so much.  in freedom.

i used to believe God was God and there were things He didn’t want to be involved in.  these things included rock concerts, a fun night out with my girlfriends, my hope to sing and play music.  i guess even now i’m convicted because i hold certain things away from Him that I hope for, thinking if He doesn’t want to be involved, i should keep them hidden.  or even more, because i know in my head He does want to be involved in those things, hopes as they are, He’ll want to change them or take them away.  wow.

[Jesus, reform my thoughts and change my heart on this!]

some of these hopes are to make music and get married and have a family.  i see myself wanting to hide them from God so He won’t take them away.  isn’t that silly?  they are all good things, precious things in themselves.  but i tend to make these the end to which Jesus is the means.  like Jesus is a potion i take for the fruits of His Spirit.  instead of taking Jesus, end, point, period.  fruits come naturally out of that, and there is no need and no use to strive after them and work for them.  strive after Jesus, work for Jesus.

now that i look at my “hopes” on paper, i realize, yes, these are good!  God does not want to strip us of all out hopes and dreams, that is not His character.  His dreams for me are much bigger, more magnificent, detailed down to the littlest blessing on some otherwise nondescript day years from now.  i dream so small and my faith in Him is tiny.

He can take a dream from years ago, a rock show in a small venue in carrboro nc, and sew it all together to usher me into a new place, a new leaf, enjoying Him.

  1. with your soft heart and willing spirit that is evident in your writing, you cant even imagine the plans he has for you. you are his beautiful daughter and his plans for you reflect his infinite love, which are both indescribably magnificent.

    So i met you at church on Sunday and thought…”this girl seems pretty cool” and so naturally you would become an online friend. It all started with one click from one site that has led me on a journey of blogs and music, overflowing with vulnerability and the occasional funny video, always complete with a song that ive never heard before. Logically speaking, your cool and you love Jesus, i like to be friends with people who are cool and love Jesus, so that means that i would like to be your friend. What say you?

  2. This is beautiful, and as I read this entry, I kept being like, “YES! I feel this way too!” I don’t know why I fear that the Lord will take my hopes and dreams away from me. Jesus should BE my hope! Oh man. Lots to think and pray about. I love you!

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